Captive audience

I’ve started calling my pets my co-workers and my son my new personal assistant. I’m sure I’m not the only one. In my attempt to keep Mr. C on track and off the computer as much as possible, I’m assigning him all sorts of bizarre tasks while I work at our dining room table. I’m sure he *sprinkle sarcasm liberally* loves my requests to do things like fold the laundry or rip the extra cardboard in the garage into tiny pieces so we can squeeze it all into our standard-size recycle bin.

Within a few short weeks, our house might be so neat and tidy as to render it unrecognizable. Apparently, this is what happens when the world goes to hell and you start working from home, recreating at home, and living your whole dang life within the confines of however many rooms you happen to occupy. Your new reality may look different than mine, but—whether you are now working from home or simply maintaining business as usual in an industry that keeps the rest of us healthy, safe, or fed—normalcy has freaking left the building… and the whole damn planet.

We are all scrambling to understand what the hell we’re supposed to do now. And we’re so far from normal that most of us don’t even know where to begin.

Recovering from PTSD is all about learning to manage a constant, heightened level of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety.

Today’s goal is reassurance, which I find myself oddly qualified to provide. While I’m struggling with the same worries and fears as most of you, recovering from PTSD is all about learning to manage a constant, heightened level of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety. Honestly, I’m feeling the same things as you. But I have already learned how to live like this—how to thrive in spite of it. I am strangely accustomed to feeling like my life no longer makes sense. So, while I can’t walk this road for you, I can tell you the things I’ve learned on my own path through hell that might help you navigate this crisis.

Things I want you to know:

• If you are afraid or stressed out about COVID-19—your feelings, thoughts, and reactions are all normal fear responses. I can’t emphasize this enough. If your fear response has been triggered, you are going to think, feel, and do things that make absolutely no sense to you or those around you. You should read up on trauma symptoms so that you have a better understanding of what might be going on inside your head. Check out FriendsFightBack for more information.
• Almost everyone around you is also stressed out and afraid. If your co-worker, friend, or loved-one snaps at you, cries for no reason, or uncharacteristically starts spouting conspiracy theories, keep in mind that this may be due to a fear reaction. I’m not saying that you have to accept uncomfortable or inappropriate treatment from anyone. I’m suggesting you take a deep breath and do your best to respond in a calm and understanding manner instead of snapping back.
• Get comfortable with your emotions. You may cry at weird times or in weird places. You may get angry at ridiculous things. You may feel numb—unable to feel the emotions you would normally feel in specific situations. Expect your emotions to be all over the place in the coming weeks or months. This is a normal response to a freaky weird situation.
• Be on alert for avoidance behaviors. Avoidance is a slippery slope and you want to make sure you don’t slide down the rabbit hole. If you stop healthy behaviors or start unhealthy behaviors because you are trying to avoid uncomfortable thoughts or feelings related to your fears, this is avoidance. I’m not talking about spending one weekend re-watching your favorite series in order to take a mental health break from the global pandemic. I’m talking about sitting on the couch for days or weeks in a row, doing nothing but watching tv. I’m talking about refusing to let your kids go play in your own yard because there’s a minuscule chance an infected person walked through when you weren’t looking. I’m talking about drinking, smoking, or spending more than normal because it takes your mind off what’s happening. Seriously, people, fight back against any avoidance urges that crop up.
• Self-care is critical. Take as many little moments as you can to be kind to yourself—whatever that means for you. This is going to be a long haul. You need to find as many ways to replenish your energy as possible.
• Accept that you have zero control. Take proper precautions, listen to your local authorities, do what you can to minimize your risk. But even if you do everything right, bad things might happen. The sooner you can accept this, the easier it will be to weather this storm. FYI, you can accept something without liking it—they are not even remotely related.
• Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of your former life. Yes, people are sick and dying—and it is tragic—but that doesn’t negate the smaller losses we are all feeling. The major losses people are suffering are not diminished by feelings of sadness that your 20th anniversary trip has been canceled or your high-school senior won’t get to go to prom or walk in a graduation ceremony. Do not feel guilty or ashamed about your feelings.
• Do not fall into the judgment trap. Let me be frank—people are going to die. Maybe even people you know. Look back at my earlier point: you have zero control. Do not start saying that So-and-so is sick or dead because they made bad choices. Even if it’s true—even if So-and-so licked the handle of every cart at Walmart—how does this possibly help their family and friends cope with their loss? It doesn’t. It only makes them feel worse. It contributes to further trauma.
• Be supportive and considerate.
  • Be kind to yourself and those around you.
  • Offer to help others.
  • Don’t buy all the toilet paper, diapers, cleaning products, or anything else. Leave some for others. We’re all in this together.
  • Listen if a friend needs to talk about her worries or experiences—even if she keeps repeating the same things. This is a normal trauma response. Having repetitive thoughts is one of the ways our brains make sense of abnormal experiences. Repeated processing helps us come to terms with the scary stuff.
  • Reassure those around you and be supportive of their situations and concerns.
  • Even if those around you haven’t lost someone they care about, they may be struggling with fear and anxiety. If they are and they come to you for reassurance, pat yourself on the back—this means they trust you. Under no circumstances should you say
    • Get over it already
    • Stop being so emotional/dramatic
    • Snap out of it
    • Stop being so negative
    • Be positive
    • Don’t think about the bad stuff so much
    • It could be worse
    • You don’t have it that bad
    • You’re being ridiculous
    • You’re acting crazy
    • Don’t act like a victim—choose to be a survivor
    • If only you’d…

Seriously, if those are the only types of statements you can offer, it’s better for you to just shut the hell up. If you don’t understand why I included something on the list, drop me a comment and I’ll explain.

• Accept that your life will never be the same as it was before. Ok, take a deep breath. I know that this one is rough. It might feel impossible or, at this moment, you might even be unwilling to consider the possibility that it’s true. That’s ok. I’m not trying to freak you out. But I am trying to prepare you. For those of you who have led a relatively safe life, this crisis is going to take a chunk out of your sense of security. You can recover, but you won’t ever be the same person you were before. You will still be you—just a new you.

I’m sure I’ve missed some important information, but this is what I’ve got for today. Lucky for you, I have a lot of extra time on my hands… Until next time, take care of yourselves. Take advantage of any small moments of peace and joy that you encounter. Be kind. And work on taking one small step at a time.

To all of you who are working endless hours treating patients, responding to emergencies, stocking shelves, trucking food and supplies to local markets, or helping people who are struggling with their mental health—we are forever grateful for your efforts. Thank you!!

Today’s photos are of my new co-workers—Hazel, Simon, and Watson—and of a recent walk to our neighborhood lake-front park. Thank goodness we can still take walks…