An insignificant spark

Living with PTSD is a struggle and recovery requires a substantial amount of energy that, due to your symptoms, you may not have on tap to expend. At times, you’re stuck in place, consumed by symptoms flaring up so hot and high that your inner light is nothing more than an insignificant spark consumed by the firestorm. When this happens, taking a single step towards healing can feel impossible. Even things you would normally do as a matter of course can be exhausting and overwhelming—cooking and eating regular meals, getting your laundry done, remembering appointments, answering the phone when it rings, or joining your co-workers for lunch. Simple self-care tasks, like making a cup of herbal tea at the end of a long day or brushing your teeth before bed, often require more energy than you can muster. During these types of days, weeks, or months, you simply hold yourself together as best you can.

But hopefully you also have random moments of relief that remind you that life doesn’t have to be like this. When this happens, try to figure out why your symptoms are better. What are you doing differently? Who are you spending time with—or away from? Did you recently make changes in your life? Are you exercising more, eating differently, using a weighted blanket that has reduced your middle of the night startle response (FYI, this was a total game changer for me.)? Did you stop interacting with someone who triggers you, finish a stressful project at work, lose yourself in a new book, resume an old hobby, or listen to your favorite playlist? Look for anything—big or small—that might explain the easing of your symptoms.

Now, here’s the key—once you’ve figured out a sneaky trigger or have started doing something that makes you feel better—you must keep going. Continue searching for more triggers and repeat that wonderful new behavior over and over again until it becomes a habit. Look for other things that will help tamp down the symptoms that have been raging out of control for so long. The more triggers you are able to pinpoint and the more healthy behaviors you adopt, the less overwhelming your symptoms will be.

For me, the fire is no longer out of control. My symptoms are now about 75% contained and (mostly) manageable. If I have to live the rest of my life like this, I can absolutely deal with it. Do I still trigger? Yes. But rarely do my triggers start a big enough fire that I want to flee or that I have to call for backup. Instead, when I’m triggered, I’m able to stomp out the sparks before they have a chance to catch hold and spread. This is progress, my friends. Actually, it’s amazing.

Learn to recognize your triggers, find effective tools to tamp down your symptoms, and practice new healthy behaviors. Keep in mind that recovery is not linear, nor is it constant. Try not to get discouraged if you are making consistent progress and starting to feel good, only to be triggered by something unexpected that knocks you off your feet again. This is a normal part of the process. And you aren’t alone—it happens to me too. Hell, I’m pretty sure it happens to every single one of us fighting to recover from PTSD. Take this one step at a time. Stomp out any sparks you can and ask for help when the flames start to grow. PTSD recovery is hard work, but it is possible.

Today’s photos are all from the last two weeks in Western Washington. Fall is my favorite time of year—I love color! Also, I would like to introduce Simon—the newest member of our little family. He may be tiny, but he is fierce and fabulous.