Pre-event jitters

I’m always on the hunt for something that might make a difference in the way you see your own battle with PTSD or that will help someone else understand a little bit of what it’s like to live with this disorder. Every once in a while, the perfect situation drops into place and – *boom* – magic happens.

The other day, a friend and I were discussing a challenging event we attended – the kind that involved a large, vocal, pitchfork carrying audience. My friend was the star attraction – the “bad guy” – at least according to the audience. While I was there too, it was only in a small, supporting role and – this is important – I knew that no one was going to be angry or frustrated with me.

As a side note, I was not required to attend this event – I volunteered. I had recently completed prolonged exposure therapy and was determined to continue pushing back against my triggers and symptoms. This seemed like a good opportunity for growth, at least in theory.

In the days leading up to the event I didn’t know what was going to happen. Uncertainty and unpredictability are massive challenges for anyone struggling with PTSD and one of my biggest triggers has always been confrontation. There was no doubt in my mind that if things in that room got ugly, I might experience a symptom tsunami during an event that I couldn’t actually leave. Anxiety, hyper-arousal, and an overwhelming sense of dread joined forces in my brain to trigger night after night of intrusive memories of my time on the witness stand. It was a relief when the morning of the event finally arrived. Whatever was going to happen would happen before I crawled back into bed at the end of the day.

At the time, my friend was aware that I had PTSD, but didn’t grasp what that meant for me as the event approached. He didn’t comprehend what a big deal it was for me to voluntarily put myself in that room with all of those angry people. During our recent conversation about it, I watched his face change as understanding clicked into place.

That is when the magic happened.

Apologetic, he told me that he knew it wasn’t the same, that he wasn’t trying to compare his pre-event jitters to mine – someone suffering from PTSD – but that he’d been feeling anxiety and fear too. He handed me the perfect opportunity to explain one of the most challenging things for people to understand about PTSD.

If you are someone who doesn’t have PTSD, I want you to pause for a moment and think about something you’ve had to do in the past – an event or experience that you dreaded and feared for days or weeks because you knew it would be awful. Really let it settle in your brain for a moment. Let a little bit of that anxiety or fear rise up to the surface again. Got it? Good.

Here’s what I told him – when you are going into an unpredictable and challenging situation and preparing to stand up in front of a crowd of people who are all directing their frustrations and anger at you, you should be afraid and apprehensive. That’s the way your brain’s fear response center is supposed to work.

I wasn’t the one who had to deal with the shit that was sure to fly that night. And barring some random act of violence from a member of the audience, I was confident that no one was going to attack me. I knew I was safe. But it didn’t matter. My brain’s fear response center was telling me I was in danger despite the fact that the thinking part of my brain understood that my anxiety and fear were not justified.

Imagine that your fight/flight/freeze response is frequently triggered even though you know that you aren’t in any actual danger.

Let that sit there for a moment. Re-read it. Maybe even re-read the last paragraph or two. I want you to really get what I’m saying. This is why PTSD is so brutal. This is why people who are struggling with it sometimes feel like they are crazy. This is why we need to end the stigma and encourage people with PTSD to seek treatment. No one should have to live like that.

For more information about PTSD and its treatment options, please check out my new collaboration with Dr. Lisa Campbell – FriendsFightBack.com.

Today’s photos were taken yesterday on the Sol Duc Falls Trail in Washington’s Olympic National Park. The Hoh Rainforest is one of the largest temperate rain forests in the U. S. It’s beautiful. You should come for a visit!