Worth the wait

After waiting 23 long years to see a snowflake fall from the sky, warm winters are not my thing. My lifetime snow quota has yet to be met. I greet snow days with glee. So you can imagine my disappointment that temps have stayed well above freezing this winter. We’ve had rain—lots and lots of rain. But it’s been a no-go on any form of wintery weather. Until now, my friends. Until now.

We’ve got SNOW!

Because I refused to take down the strand of Christmas lights on my back patio, I spent the morning sipping coffee and watching two hummingbirds flit around under the bright, colorful lights strung above their feeder while I listened to La Traviata. Then, snow boots and scarf in place, I traipsed down to my neighborhood lakefront park. My trusty little snowplow—aka Watson—is now passed out on the sofa without a drop of energy left to spare.

It’s a good day.

Lately, there have been a lot of good days. And the best part is that it’s not because everything in my life is perfect (damn, wouldn’t that be nice?). It’s because I’ve made enough progress in my PTSD recovery that Fear no longer runs the show. After rediscovering some old healthy coping mechanisms and implementing a few new ones, I am back in charge. Fear has been relegated to a minor character.

Could it return? Of course. I am intimately aware that major stress, unexpected triggers, or a new traumatic experience could center-stage Fear once more. But even if it does, I’m now well versed in how to battle my very own trauma symptoms. I’ve developed some mean skills, folks. Fear is going to have to work extra hard if it wants to reprise its former role.

So, am I done? Have I recovered from PTSD?

Yes? No? I don’t have good answers. It’s complicated…

It’s been a while since I last met official PTSD criteria but that doesn’t mean all of my symptoms have left the building. I still have intense initial reactions to stress that require healthy distractions to get me back on track. By intense, I mean Chicken Little—the sky is falling!—kind of intense. Fortunately, my drama queen stress response now only makes brief and increasingly rare appearances.

On the other hand, my startle response remains wicked sharp and I have no idea how to eliminate it. Talk about dramatic… I suspect there’s some sort of behavioral therapy that involves repeated exposure to startling events so that I could finally stop jumping and screaming every damn time. Umm, no thanks. I’ll pass.

And, finally, my last hypervigilance holdout—an inability to let my guard down enough to sleep soundly—is annoying and freaking persistent. Enough already. I don’t want to listen for every noise and then respond as if someone has broken into the house each time the cat steps on that squeaky floorboard or the dog turns over in his sleep and his nails scriiiiitch along the side of my dresser. I seriously just want to sleep.

These remaining symptoms may be frustrating and sometimes even embarrassing, but I get that they’re minor distractions when compared to what I’ve already overcome. I’ve worked damn hard to get here and I’m going to keep practicing the healthy habits that are making my recovery possible. For today, that means sitting by the window for the rest of the afternoon and enjoying the snow show. The curtain may have taken months to open, but Mother Nature has pulled out all the stops on this winter wonderland production and I want to savor it. It was worth the wait.

Happy Valentine’s Day, my friends!

Today’s photos are all from places I could walk to during this snowy weekend.