Deep end of the pool

One day when I was young, I was sprawled on our living room sofa so absorbed in a book that I didn’t notice my mom and a neighbor join me in the room. When I tuned back into my surroundings, there they were, sitting nearby and chatting away. Let me tell you, people, my reality was shook. How long had they been there and how the heck hadn’t I noticed?

This moment is etched in my memory as the first of its kind, although I suspect it had happened before – it just hadn’t been highlighted so clearly by an unnoticed knock on the door or unseen people sitting a few feet away and talking in loud, animated voices. On that day, my ten-year old brain tried to make sense of this experience. I linked the feelings I had as I reconnected with my physical environment with something that happened sometimes while swimming.

I used to dive down and sit on the floor of the deep end of the pool. Surrounded by all that water, I couldn’t feel the heat of the sun, hear the sounds of my neighborhood, or see the roofs of the other houses over the top of the fence. It felt like another world, an alternate reality. When it was time to breathe, I kicked up towards the light and in that split-second as I broke the surface, my senses surged – everything was too bright, too loud, too vibrant, too hot – before they recalibrated and I reacclimated to my surroundings.

Well into adulthood, I could become so consumed by a project, a task, or a book that hours would pass without notice. I thought this was simply the way I was built – that my ability to focus so intently that the rest of the world fell away was a given. But ever since the crime, concentrating has been a struggle. While it’s definitely improving, it’s not happening as quickly as I would like. This frustrates me.

For a long time, I assumed that my lack of concentration was a symptom of PTSD depression. But recently it occurred to me that there is a second, more likely culprit – hypervigilance. I can’t be consumed by whatever I’m doing because I’m too busy paying attention to every damn thing happening around me so that nothing bad ever catches me off guard again.

Not only is this a terrible way to live, but when you are no longer able to fully engage in the things you used to enjoy, you have to find something else to do. When nothing sounds interesting or it feels like finding something will require too much effort and energy, you sometimes make bad choices. For me, this means going to bed too early. This then severely disrupts my sleep during the second half of the night and I’m so tired the next day that I have even more trouble focusing. The cycle continues in an endless loop, one night after another. Please learn from my mistakes – avoidance sleep is not the answer.

So what is?

Seriously, I wish I knew. I may not have it all figured out just yet, but I feel like I’m making progress and I am very motivated.

I want to have more energy. I want to return to a life full of activities that interest and inspire me. I want to rediscover that deep level of concentration – and not just when I travel. I want to find my way back to those moments of alternate reality and that oh-so satisfying sense of peace that accompanies them. I suspect this is going to take time and a lot of practice.

For now, I’m focused on eliminating sleep avoidance from my life. I’ve started keeping a list of things that help me refocus when I’m stuck. My hope is that if I force myself to try different activities on the list I’ll find one to divert my attention and prevent me from going to bed too early. Eventually, I won’t be so tired all the time.

Eventually, I’ll figure this out.

One of the reasons I write about my symptoms is because it helps me understand them better. As I wrote this post, it occurred to me that maybe the time has come for a reminder. I need to go find the deep end of a pool and remember how peaceful it is to disconnect from everything – and how good it feels when I break the surface and my senses surge back to life.

Today’s photos come from a lovely trip to Maui. When you are ready to disconnect, you might want to consider Hawaii – my personal favorite is Kauai but you should go wherever and whenever you can. The scenery, the people, the beaches, the food, the wildlife, the light – just go… Feel free to take me with you. I’m more than happy to take photos of you and your family all over the islands.