Opportunity response system

When I was a teenager, I painted my walls green and papered them with European travel posters and impressionist reproductions. Art and travel – these particular passions haven’t changed much since then except that, as I’ve wandered, my tastes have expanded in ways I never would have predicted. As a bonus, these loves of mine walk hand-in-hand. When I travel, I visit museums. Sometimes I even choose a destination based on its available art – and food – I definitely consider the local cuisine when planning a trip. But that’s a topic for another day.

Seeing more of the world is a lifelong dream that has endured even through the rough spots. Of course, there have been other kinds of dreams too, relationship dreams like getting married and becoming a mother. By no means am I discounting the value of those dreams, but that’s not my focus today. Instead, I want to take a look at the dreams that were specifically for me and about me – exploring the world, accomplishing the things I set out to accomplish, proving myself in some way.

Those me-dreams involved earning a living with my pen and, to a lesser extent, with my camera. If I could accomplish all of my big dreams simultaneously, so much the better. But I wasn’t picky. My eye-on-the-prize has been consistent – live life to the fullest while writing, taking photos, and traveling the world.

Like many of you, there came a point along the way where I put the me-dreams on pause. I know exactly how it happened. I didn’t have time to do everything so I chose a different path – one that was very relationship intensive. It’s not that I gave up on my other dreams, they just seemed like something I should do later when I had more time. But year after year, later didn’t come.

And then, when I least expected it, I was newly divorced and a single mom of a very young child. Instead of circling my wagons in a desperate attempt to maintain the status quo, I decided that if the crux of my life was going to change, I might as well throw everything else into the mix too. I moved north, bought a little house, and began researching and writing the young-adult time travel story that had been whispering to me for years. Life was good. I got married a second time, and while it wasn’t a disaster from the beginning, by now you all know that it certainly didn’t end well.

But somewhere in all of that life, I found some time to revisit those me-dreams, fitting them in here and there when I could. I finished my book. I took photos at every opportunity, working on my skills with each passing year. And I traveled, checking one place after another off a list that expanded with an ever-increasing intensity.

So, what does all of this have to do with trauma recovery – my overwhelming focus for the past two years?

It has everything to do with trauma recovery. Everything.

When you are knocked down in a flat-out, on the floor and maybe never getting up again kind of way, your dreams disappear – at least temporarily. All you want is for the soul-pounding drain of fear and pain to come to end. You want to know that your child will somehow make it through this ordeal intact. You want a guarantee that someday you will look into your parents’ eyes and won’t see intense concern reflected back at you, because you look like shit and they are terrified by what that might mean. You want to know if you will regain the ability to concentrate or remember all of the things you used to take for granted. You wonder if it’s possible for your overactive startle response or intrusive memories to take a day off. You want to know if you will eventually recover enough to think about something else – anything else. As your brain-on-chaos worries and plans for the next worst-case scenario, hope for the future fades into oblivion. Your dreams evaporate.

But I’m here to tell you that this feeling – this fucking hell – doesn’t last. For a while, maybe even a long while, you’re a haunted wreck of your former self. But please believe me when I say this – with time and a considerable amount of work, you can find yourself again. I’m not saying that you won’t have to dig deep. You might have to dig very, very deep. But I know that no matter what has happened to you, you’re still in there.

And so is your ability to hope and dream.

I’m also here to tell you that it’s ok if your dreams have changed or shifted in ways big or small. Maybe what you fantasized about in the past is not what you want for the future. It doesn’t have to stay the same. It’s your life – you get to decide. How exciting is that?

When I healed enough to finally breathe again, I contemplated my dreams and how they compared to those of Old Karie. I still wanted to travel, take photos that I could be proud of, and get paid to write. But, I discovered that I had a new dream to add to my personal mission statement. I wanted to find a way to help others come to terms with their own PTSD and sexual trauma.

At first, I wasn’t sure how I was going to convert my dreams into real life experiences. But as I began to feel more like Old Karie, hope crept back into my brain. I promised myself that I would pay attention and if I ever had an opportunity to put one of my dreams into action, I wouldn’t hesitate. I would make use of every possible chance to live according to my dreams by activating my Opportunity Response System. I would pounce on anything that came my way.

I have to say, it’s worked out pretty damn well so far. If I were you, I’d seriously consider activating your own ORS – even if you’re not recovering from trauma.

This year, two non-profit organizations that provide assistance to victims of sexual assault requested permission to use a photograph of mine in their fundraising drives. I can honestly say that I’ve never been so honored to have something of value that I can provide to those in such desperate need.

In March, following an odd chain of events, I was asked to co-author a book that will publish this fall. I will provide detailed information soon, but I can tell you that it’s not a work of fiction and it will further my newest dream of helping others deal with their own traumatic experiences. To achieve my most heart-poundingly desperate dream while simultaneously helping others is something that steals my breath on a daily basis.

And later this year, I will be taking my son on an epic vacation, to a place high on both of our bucket lists. Sometimes, I’m so excited that I have trouble sleeping. It’s the first time in more than two years that my sleep issues are due to something happy instead of something horrible. I. Can’t. Wait.

I’m recovering. I’m doing what I need to do to keep moving forward. And I have more hope for the future than I’ve had in a very long time.

If you aren’t there yet, keep going. Hope is out there somewhere. One of these days, you’re going to be able to reach out and grab it.

Just don’t give up. Ever.

Today’s photos are from a few of my favorite places around the world. Let me know where you’ve been and what I should add to my own travel dream list.

I’d love to hear what you’re thinking (and really would like someone besides my very dedicated and lovely parents to respond). Drop some feedback in the comments section. No need to worry about any nastiness here. While I can’t control what people write on social media, on my blog – I rule. I approve every comment personally and am dedicated to squashing out ugliness before it spreads. There is no such thing as freedom of speech in my comments section. This is a safe spot and I am committed to keeping it that way.

Thanks for reading.