A voice recovered

For many months, I couldn’t find my voice. It was nothing more than a weak, insubstantial tangle of words. Without it I felt lost and adrift in the dark. My light, the one that I cherish above all others for its capacity to bare my soul and expose my heart to the world, was gone. It had diminished to such an extent that I had trouble even finding my way around in my own head. I wasn’t sure I would ever get it back.

This terrified me.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t healing from the epic trauma that my husband had unleashed upon our lives, because I was. And more importantly, so was my child. It was simply that I couldn’t write about it, or anything else that had any real meaning. I was muted and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Recently, after many months and a series of unrelated events, I discovered the problem; I had been silenced. And I let it happen. No wonder my voice had disappeared.

If you read my earlier posts about the crime, you know that I wrote about how devastated I was. But during the trial, the defense implied over and over again that those anguished words I’d written about my child’s molestation, posted in a public venue, were proof that I was a terrible mother who was only out for financial gain. His questions demanded yes/no answers and whenever I tried to give further explanations, his objections were sustained. I was not allowed to speak. I left the stand that day frustrated that I was never able to express the bottomless pit of anguish, panic and terror that my ex had inflicted on my child, and on me.

But it didn’t end there. My ex was a no-show for sentencing. Instead he fled the country. As the NY State Troopers, the FBI, the U.S. Marshals, the Canadian Mounties and local Canadian police forces searched for him, I was given a copy of an email he sent to countless friends and former family members describing how I had made up the entire thing, that he was innocent of the crimes for which he had been convicted. I still don’t know what motivation I supposedly had for doing something so terrible, but it doesn’t really matter, people believed him.

When he finally turned himself in and was sentenced, almost four months after being convicted of two felonies, I thought perhaps I could now move forward, leaving the trauma behind. I was determined to heal and, for many months, I was.

And then, about two months ago, I received what can only be described as a message of hate. It was clear that the author truly believed her assertions that I was a terrible person who could look forward to a lifetime of bad karma for victimizing a “good man”. Not once did she mention my child, the true victim of this crime.

All of the work I’d done to reduce, or cope with, the symptoms of trauma that I had lived with for almost seventeen months completely fell apart. The uncontrollable shaking, the hyper-vigilance, the intrusive thoughts were all back as if they’d never left. I knew I had to do something. I had no desire to face a lifetime of recurring symptoms whenever a confrontation or a reminder of the crime arose. It was time for me to seek professional help.

At this very moment, something monumental happened. All over the country people began speaking out about sexual abuse and sexual harassment. Their stories were overwhelming and tragic, but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to read them. All of them. It was at the beginning of this nationwide unchaining of the truth that I began undergoing intensive PTSD therapy. Within weeks, I could see progress.

I also saw that it was my turn. It was time to find my voice and say all of the things I’d kept pent up for far too long. The things preventing my light from shining forth at full strength.

My therapy homework for the week was to write a post. I knew that I was ready, but I still wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to say it. How do you step back into a blog after disappearing for seven months?

Then, Matt Lauer was fired. And I knew what I wanted to say.

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So, here goes. Stand by, folks, I’m about to put down my burden.

My child and I have had an overwhelming amount of support from the vast majority of people in our lives. Some of these people went so far and above to help us when our lives imploded that I will never be able to convey the depth of my gratitude. You know who you are and you are imprinted on my heart forever.

The number of disbelievers is small and, to a certain degree, I can understand why these people, his family and closest friends, choose not to believe that he did this terrible thing. Really, I get it.

But, he did this.

He molested my child.

I now see that he began weaving his web of lies and deceit within hours of posting his own bail. At the end of that first day, I asked a friend to act as an intermediary so that I wouldn’t have to communicate with the man who had just abused my child. The friend told me that my ex had provided him with detailed information about his confession to police and he passed that information on to me. To this day I don’t know if the friend ever saw the actual statement, but I can’t imagine that he did. I’m certain my ex didn’t want anyone to know what it said.

It wasn’t until months later that I first read it. While it did contain the details he’d given to the friend, it also contained information that was infinitely more damning. After reading the statement, I could no longer imagine his behavior towards my child to have been an accidental, drunken mistake that came out of nowhere. Instead it was clear that it was something much more disturbing. His statement wasn’t read out loud during the trial. Instead, I watched as one juror after another read it silently to themselves, the looks on their faces clearly showcasing when they got to the horrific parts.

I don’t know if any of you are his supporters, still desperately clinging to the belief that he is the victim, at whatever cost to the truth and despite all evidence to the contrary. But if you are, and if you ever have any questions, you know how to find me.

You don’t even have to take my word for it. You can take his.

I have the statements to police, I have emails he sent admitting to the crime, I have an email he sent apologizing to my child, I have a copy of the controlled call. I can assure you that it came as no surprise to those of us who had seen the evidence that it only took a few hours for the jury to reach a verdict.

For those of you who have said, “there are two sides to every story”, I question why you have chosen to only listen to one of the sides. You’ve never asked for my child’s side, or mine.

For those of you who have said things to me like, “But he’s not a bad guy.” I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter how good of a guy he has been in every other aspect of life, he did this very bad thing. He injured a child in ways that will impact that child for the rest of his life. And, in our society, crimes like this come with a hefty price tag for the individuals who commit them.

For those of you wondering why I went to the bank before I went to the police, my answer is simple. From the very first moment my child whispered the ugly truth, I was terrified that my ex was going to wake up, realize what he’d done and flee the country with all of our money. How would we survive? I also feared that the police would tell me that there wasn’t enough evidence to arrest him. I was prepared to get in the car and drive to a safe place night after night after endless night, until I knew he could no longer find us. It’s why I took all of the pets with us when we left the house that morning. There was nothing that would make me come back as long as he was out there and able to hurt us again.

For the record, I only took half the money. I considered it my divorce settlement. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t even need a divorce. As soon as I heard what he’d done, I was no longer married.

I can’t begin to convey how monumental this betrayal has been. I can’t see a day in the future when I won’t revisit the horrible memories. And I can’t begin to imagine what this will mean as my child moves from one stage of life to the next. What challenges will this event cause him in the years to come? Will he be able to develop strong, trust-based relationships with others or will he always be wary to trust someone fully? Will he be able to have a healthy, happy sex life, or is the one night he spent in hell going to haunt him in all of his future relationships? And what will this do to him if he ever has children? Will he become obsessive and overprotective of their every move? Will he allow them to spend the night at other kids’ houses? Will he impart an unhealthy level of fear into their hearts?

If you do some research into child sexual abuse, you will discover that the overwhelming majority of cases involve someone the child knew and trusted, not strangers. These are neighbors, friends, uncles, cousins, coaches, clergymen, teachers, and step-fathers. In many cases they are well-liked, productive members of their communities, just like my ex. They don’t announce their intentions and they don’t have some sort of telltale sign for us to spot and avoid. They are very good at hiding their desires. And they are experts at deception and disinformation.

My child was molested. He was molested by a man I trusted. By a man I assured him he could trust. He was molested by a man I brought into his life. That in itself is so overwhelming and soul-crushing that it’s enough to drag anyone down into the pits of hell. Yet, my ex didn’t stop there. He has continued the assault by telling people I care deeply about that he did none of it. That I am the bad guy.

He says these things even though he confessed to molesting my child.

Please don’t tell me that I need to let it go, that it’s taking longer than it should. I’m not stuck. I’m processing.

To be honest, it’s a lot to process.

Someday, I will heal and forgive the man who did this to us. But, I intend to do it the right way, the way I need to do it. And that is going to take some time.

After so many months of silence, it’s good to be back.

Thank you for reading.

I missed you.

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5 thoughts on “A voice recovered

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  1. After my previous reply where I stated that there are some who will never believe even though the evidence proves otherwise, I thought that more needed to be said.
    First off C had the courage to come to you determined to not remain a “silent victim”! You acted immediately as any parent or anyone else for that matter should in a situation like this.
    For those that still blame you and C I would like them to read the following, then see if they still have any doubts.

    You and C immediately went to the authorities to report the crime. They listened to you, found enough evidence to confirm your account and made an arrest.
    The prosecutor talked with you, looked at the evidence, and decided that the case needed to be presented to the grand jury.
    You and C then gave your testimony before the grand jury, and if I remember correctly that’s a group of 23 citizens who looked at all of the evidence and agreed that the case should go to a jury trial.
    Twelve jurors listened to you both, listened to and read all of the evidence presented and quickly came to a unanimous decision of guilty on both felony charges.

    Hopefully the actions you and C took will help others who may have suffered this trauma in the past, may be experiencing this now, or may be confronted with this horrific crime in the future! This type of crime should never be silenced, and the perpetrators should be exposed and suffer the consequences!

    I know you and C have suffered with this for a long time, and it still hurts me deeply, but the strength, courage and perseverance you both have exhibited make me so proud of you both!

    I love you,

    Dad

    1. You have seen the wounds that this crime has inflicted on us all. I know that it has horrified you to discover that there are people out there who refuse to believe the truth. I hope that, by writing you comment above, you feel the same relief of being heard that I feel after finally writing this post. I love you.

  2. Dearest Karie,

    The love and courage you exhibit daily shines brightly through the darkness. Thank you for finding your voice, for it holds great depths of healing for C & you. Truth matters and facts do not lie. Truth also lights the way for others who struggle to find their way after abuse. You & C are so dearly loved!

    1. Thank you for allowing me the time to find my voice again. I know how hard it has been to watch my child recover from this, but you’ve had to watch both your child and your grandchild find a way. I love you.

  3. Thank you Karie! This needed to be said, and you’ve said it perfectly. Hopefully anyone who doubted you and C will now have a clearer understanding of the truth, the “other side of the story”. However, I know that this is not a story, I know this really happened!
    Unfortunately, there are some who will never believe the truth and will never read the evidence!
    Hopefully for those that have doubts and really do want to know what happened will have the courage to contact you as you’ve requested and read the evidence for themselves.
    Karie, I’ve seen where you and C were when all of this began, and I know where you are now and I’m so proud of both of you!
    I love you,

    Dad

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